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Deflating Marriage Myths
Genesis 2:20-25
June 27, 1999

In the last few months I have become increasingly aware that many marriages involving Christian spouses (as well as those involving non-Christian spouses) are under a great deal of stress. It's not news to relate to you that not a single individual in this church has not been intimately involved in the process of divorce, either as a divorced spouse, the child of divorced parents, the sibling of a divorced brother or sister, or the close friend of a couple that is breaking up.

Divorce is the end result of a process that, in most cases, begins long before the marriage even starts.

One of the greatest causes for divorce is that our PRECONCEPTIONS OF WHAT MARRIAGE IS TO BE ARE IN FACT FALSE. Our culture, even our Christian sub-culture, is contaminated by destructive MARRIAGE MYTHS.

Popular evangelical Christian ministries seem to maintain these myths by presenting us with long lines of cheerful, perky, well-groomed spouses who seem to have the ideal "Christian Marriage". (Gag!!!) Even those who have had rough spots in the past are brought before the microphones to relate how their marriage is now a model of wedded bliss. I keep wanting to see the Christian couple who absolutely can't stand each other, and yet remain in the marriage because they are faithful to Christ and the covenant they made with God! Show me the man and woman who are aware that until the end of their days they are bound to live faithfully with someone they realize is not the optimum partner!

These myths are destructive because they misrepresent REALITY, and give rise to FALSE EXPECTATIONS. When reality and our expectations fail to match up the result is often a sense of BETRAYAL, FRUSTRATION, BITTERNESS and RESENTMENT.

Ultimately the dissonance between our REALITY and our EXPECTATIONS becomes so great that we separate and divorce.

Most of the time people remarry after divorce, but we carry the SAME MARRIAGE MYTHS with us into the next marriage and thus sow the seeds of disappointment and disillusionment that grow again into a harvest of heartbreak.

So this morning I want to take the SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, the Word of the Living God, and hack to bits the destructive marriage myths that are attacking the marriage covenant.

MYTH 1 -- I am going to be happy in marriage.

In the last month I have been in two separate counseling settings with folks who were not members of our Church (so you don't know them!) in which the marriage had supposedly broken up because the couple was NOT HAPPY TOGETHER. This is perhaps the most immature, puerile reason for divorce ever concocted by hell. And yet when we hear it in our cultural setting people seem to nod their heads in agreement with sad, knowing expressions on their faces. In both of these recent cases it was the man who used this as his excuse to abandon his wife and children to a life of tremendous hardship -- financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

I actually spoke to a person who used this as their reason for breaking their covenant some years ago, with just this intensity and overt disapproval. They couldn't believe it! After all, I was a United Methodist pastor, wasn't I supposed to affirm them? "I just want to be happy! Don't I deserve happiness???", they whined.  Well... NO, YOU DON'T. And neither do I for that matter! God does give us JOY in our walk with Christ, but not because we deserve it or earn it, but rather out of His unmerited love and favor directed towards us. Peter Kreeft writes:

We misunderstand the point of this world if we expect it to be happy. Paradoxically, those who expect happiness in this world are usually the most unhappy people, while those who expect unhappiness are the happiest people. "We have no right to happiness," wrote C. S. Lewis in his last published article. Malcolm Muggeridge calls the phrase "the pursuit of happiness" in our Declaration of Independence not one of the fundamental rights of man but "one of the silliest and shallowest sentences I have ever seen."

When I spoke sternly to the person, condemning "unhappiness" as their reason for leaving their marriage covenant, they said: "I just came here looking for a little grace!" Beloved, let me clear up a couple of things with you all right now: (1) GRACE IS NOT LICENCE TO SIN AGAINST GOD. (2) A REBUKE IS ALSO A GRACIOUS ACT IF DELIVERED IN THE SPIRIT AND SUPPORTED BY THE WORD.

Let me tell you why I react so strongly to this myth. It is because it so obviously untrue that you will be consistently HAPPY in your marriage.

It is obvious because when we marry people we make the SWEAR BEFORE ALMIGHTY GOD that they will STAY MARRIED and be FAITHFUL to one another. Listen, if the Church believed that you would be consistently happy in your marriage we wouldn't make you SWEAR to stay together. If you were HAPPY you'd just naturally want to be together forever.

It is precisely because we expect some parts of marriage to be MISERABLE, TEDIOUS, FRUSTRATING, AND DISAPPOINTING THAT WE MAKE YOU SWEAR TO STAY MARRIED!!!

So what is the REALITY from God's Word that will empower us to defeat this myth? We need to expect HARDSHIP and SUFFERING that arise DIRECTLY from the fact that we are now joined for life to another person.

[Jesus said], These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. 1 Corinthians 7:27-28

Yes, there will be times of true bliss and joy in your marriage. But suffering is a part of the human condition and no part of human existence is free from it -- not even marriage. How long will I have to deal with the unhappiness? Only God knows.

But let me tell you this: God is faithful to the covenant we make with him in marriage. If we will keep the covenant of marriage faithfully, GOD WILL SOVEREIGNLY BRING YOU JOY AND BLESSING IN THIS LIFE BECAUSE YOU HAVE HONORED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AND YOUR SPOUSE IN MARRIAGE. God is a covenant-keeping God.

Therefore keep the words of this covenant, and do them, that you may prosper in all that you do. Deut. 29:9

Covenant is an intentional relationship with God. God honors and blesses us as we remain in relationship with him. You see, ultimately God is the source of Joy and satisfaction in marriage, not your spouse.

MYTH 2 -- My spouse will fulfill me and "meet my needs".

This is similar to the first myth. I can absolutely promise you that your spouse WILL NOT fulfill you and meet your needs. Many people (especially women, in my experience) come into a marriage expecting to have their deepest needs meet by their spouse. Needs for meaning, companionship, satisfying relationship, etc, are transferred to a fallible, sinful human spouse. It is a recipe for disaster!

Why? Because your ultimate needs can only be met by God. No human being can meet your deepest needs.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Ps. 37:4

You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. Ps. 145:16, 19

Listen to the sensuality and intensity of the relationship with God the Psalmist illustrates in this song:

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.  Ps. 63:2-8

You can still have a satisfying, meaningful, and productive life even if your spouse doesn't meet all your needs. Yes, there are marriages where there is a great sense of loss, pain, and disillusionment. But as we are faithful to God in that relationship God will bless and fulfill us. Bottom line: Do not make the marriage relationship bear the expectation of fulfillment that only a relationship with God can bear.

MYTH 3 -- We need to be compatible to make the marriage work.

What does that mean? Does it mean that you will need to naturally get along with each other in order to stay married?

The reality is that NO TWO PEOPLE ARE NATURALLY COMPATIBLE. Why? Because, if we are left to ourselves, without the intervening influence of the Holy Spirit, we are NATURALLY, pathologically selfish! The Bible calls this the sinful human nature. I don't know if James had marriage on his mind when he penned the following, but he could have:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:1-3

Do you know what enables Christian spouses to become compatible? It happens when they develop their relationship with Christ first and foremost:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus... Philippians 2:3-5

MYTH 4 -- Our marriage will last because we are in love.

This is actually a myth that has enough truth to it to make it really dangerous.

What this means for many people is that they go into marriage expecting that the emotions associated with romance will sustain them. Which means that your feelings will keep you together. So people say on the way out of these marriages: "We just don't love each other any longer".

Emotions are a part of love, but actually the kind of love that will hold your marriage together is one that is based in commitment and the will – not the emotions. Love, in the biblical sense, is laying down one's life for the other:

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.1 John 4:10-11

Love is a decision to lay down my life in obedience to Jesus Christ.

CONCLUSION:
As we ask God to dispel these marriage myths, and as we commit ourselves to faithfulness to keep the marriage covenant we have made with God and our spouse, something beautiful will happen. God will grant us great and unexpected blessing! Lisa will not mind me telling you that there have been times in our marriage that only our stubborn commitment to God in the covenant of marriage has kept us together.

She will also not mind me telling you that God has SOVEREIGNLY and RICHLY blessed that commitment by actually making our marriage better than it has ever been before.

The words of the old Rite of Holy Matrimony taken from the Book of Common Prayer and used in the Methodist Church from the beginning are true:

I require and charge you both, as you stand in the presence of God, before whom the secrets of all hearts are disclosed, that, having duly considered the holy covenant you are about to make, you do now declare before this company your pledge of faith, each to the other. Be well assured that if these solemn vows are kept inviolate, as God's Word demands, and if steadfastly you endeavor to do the will of your heavenly Father, God will bless your marriage, will grant you fulfillment in it, and will establish your home in peace.

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Genesis 2:20-25

20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,

"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
NIV

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