What a Child Needs, Part 1

Deuteronomy 6:1-9

November 2, 2003 (Non-Lectionary)

I am going to do something exceptionally brave today: I am going to talk about childrearing.  In fact I am starting a series today on What a Child Needs.  This requires courage on the part of a pastor for two reasons: First, I don’t know any better way to get folks angry than to start delving into issues surrounding family life.  Just try offering a little helpful childrearing advice to a defensive parent sometime and you’ll see what I mean.  Secondly, my own children are here.  They can tell you all about my failings as a parent! 

That’s a good point: I’m not here as an expert.  I’m not Dr. James Dobson.  I am, however, a pastor and teacher of God’s Word.  I believe that the Scriptures teach with an infallible authority.  So, while I may be flawed and inadequate as a parenting instructor, the Scriptures are clear and authoritatively true when they address the raising of children (or as I have called them in the past: humans in the larval stage.)

In order for this message to have a salutary impact in your life you have to agree to a presupposition: you and your child are NOT an exception to the Bible’s teaching.  What I want to offer you from Scripture are universal principals.  So let’s not try to evade these precepts or excuse our child or ourselves.  These are truths that transcend culture and are as relevant today as they were when they were first penned. 

This is a universally important topic because our parenting affects our children’s relationship with God.  As Dr. James Dobson wrote in Raising Them Right:

God has given us the assignment of representing Him during the formative years of parenting. That's why it is so critically important for us to acquaint our kids with God's two predominant natures: His unfathomable love and His justice. If we love our children but permit them to treat us disrespectfully and with disdain, we have distorted their understanding of the Father. On the other hand, if we are rigid disciplinarians who show no love, we have tipped the scales in the other direction. What we teach our children about the Lord is a function, to some degree, of how we model love and discipline in our relationship with them.

Now instead of dealing with specifics I want to present some general principals that deal with raising children.  These principles address the basic needs that all children have.  The origin of these principles is the person and character of God.  Jesus referred to God as “Abba” which is equivalent to “Papa.”  So if we want to see what is vital in raising our children we can look to a perfect example: God.

I.  Children need to be loved and cherished.  They are created in the image of God and are infinitely precious.  That’s why the enemy seems to target children for some of the worst outrages.  Since they most clearly bear the image of God the enemy who cannot directly attack God assails those who bear his image.  Child abuse and neglect are a satanic attack against the person of God. 

A.    The essence of God’s relationship with us is love.  In Jeremiah 31:3 the Scriptures declare, The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”  God’s love for us has a distinctly parental character.

·         Isaiah 49:15-16a “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”

·        Psalm 103:13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him...

B.    God’s fatherly love is self-sacrificial:  John3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”  So the first thing that our children need is parents who love them with a self-sacrificial love.  Children are not a means of accessorizing one’s life. That’s what is happening with the entertainment elites in our culture – men and women adopting kids or having kids without being married because they want ‘to be fulfilled.’  The reasoning here is that children are a consumer commodity that are acquired to enhance the quality of one’s life. If you are having children in order to be fulfilled or because it is your right you are already on the wrong foot and you need to repent.

·        We show sacrificial love through offering our Time.  Quantity of time is a quality of time.  Jesus expresses his love for us through his presence with us:  John 14:18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

·        Energy.  Active involvement.  Sitting in front of a computer screen like a lump when you have children pinging off the walls of your home is not self-sacrificing love.  They need you to cuddle them, wrestle them, tickle them, read to them, talk with them, play in the yard with them.  My father used to come home from the office and play kick the can and capture the flag with me and all the other kids in the neighborhood.  He was already tired.  But he sacrificed to be with me!

·        Money.  Your toys and vacations are going to be radically downsized as you invest in the life of that child.  That doesn’t mean indulging them with materialism by the way, but providing for their healthcare, education, etc.

C.    God models parental love through expressions of tenderness and affection.  Matthew 3:16-17 As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”  God poured out affirmation and blessing and affection on Jesus.  In the same way our children need to hear and feel just how much we care about them. 

Carl Tuttle is a pastor from a broken home.  He had a very unhappy childhood in which his father abused him.  After he became a Christian, on one occasion he particularly wanted to hear what God was saying to him.   He decided to go out into the country where he could pray for a whole day without being interrupted.  So he arrived and began to pray.  But after fifteen minutes he felt he was not getting anywhere.  So he drove home again feeling very depressed and disappointed.  He told his wife that he would go see Zachary, his two-month-old baby.  He went into the room and picked him up.  As he was holding him he felt an incredible love welling up within him for this baby boy, and he started crying and talking to him.  “Zachary,” he said, “I love you.  I love you with all my heart.  No matter what happens in this life, I will never harm you, I’ll always protect you.  I’ll always be your father, I’ll always be your friend, I’ll always care for you, I’ll always nurture you, and I’ll do this, no matter what sins you commit, no matter what you do, and no matter whether you turn from me or from God.”  Suddenly Carl sensed that he was in God’s arms and that God was saying, “Carl, you are my son and I love you.  No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I’ll always care for you, I’ll always provide for you, I’ll always guide you.”  (Nicky Gumbel, Questions of Life, p. 67.)

II. Children need consistent boundaries.  Think about it!  At the very beginning, before sin had entered the world God gave human beings boundaries:

And the LORD God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.” Gen. 2:16-17

A.     Boundaries provide children a sense of security and freedom! Isn’t that wonderfully paradoxical?  But it’s true.

But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. (James 1:25)

Did you hear that?  “The perfect law that gives freedom...” There is a good deal of antinomianism in Christian circles these days.  We think of law as confining and limiting.  Appropriate boundaries actually have the opposite effect on children (and adults!)  The boundaries we establish for our children are clearly marked out in Scripture.  The Ten Commandments provide us with the perfect guidelines for setting the limits

      Several years ago, an interesting study was done of playground behavior in young children. The children came from several different schools, but each school had essentially the same size play area and the same ratio of teachers to students. Yet, there was one major difference between the two types of schools being studied: one group of schools offered children a fenced playground; the other groups had a play area with no fence.

      Then the study was over, guess which students showed more cooperative play, had fewer playground fights, and exhibited lower levels of anxiety during recess? Here's a hint: it was the same group that used more space on the playground and had better attitudes toward school work following recess.

      Easy!" you say. "The kids who played in the wide-open spaces. Right?"

      Wrong!

      The Children who played behind the protective boundaries of a fence were far happier at play and better adjusted after recess. When it comes to playground behavior, children playing inside a fence feel a security that other children do not. And when it comes to grown-up kids living in the fast lane, having "Fences" around their behavior is just as important.  God gave us his great ten commandments to keep us inside the fences of his love and blessing. (Seeking Solid Ground, John Trent & Rick Hicks  p. 22)

B.     Children will challenge the boundaries you set for 2 reasons.  First there is the sinful nature that we will address in just a moment.  The second reason is that they have a deep need to make sure that those limits are really certain.  They are like little night watchmen on patrol: they carefully check each door by trying to turn the handle and open it.  But they want to find the doors securely shut.

C.     God’s laws provide a sense of purpose and meaning because they help define who we are.  Children need structure and routine in order to flourish and be creative. 

·        About 15-20 years ago there was a fad in designing schools that had classrooms without walls.  In a large open space several classes would meet and move from one learning station and teacher to another.  The theory was that the lack of defining space would promote creativity and learning.  The result was just the opposite.  All that was promoted was chaos in which children failed to thrive.  All those schools have had to retrofit their classrooms by adding the walls that were originally seen as hindrances to the creative spirit. Creativity is nurtured by appropriate structure. 

·        Harry Emerson Fosdick said, "No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined."

D.    So why are so many parents providing this vital element of childhood development?  Parents don’t act like parents because they are

·        too tired, or

·        too wimpy (fear that if they provide boundaries their child will not love them), or

·        uninformed, or

·        guilt-ridden about putting career or leisure in front of their child’s welfare (compensation).

Let me ask a simple diagnostic question here:  When your child was an infant or toddler did you set her bedtime and then consistently enforce it?  If you are not setting bedtimes for your little ones you are not providing your child with needed boundaries.  Eating and sleeping are the first arenas for boundary setting. If you don’t set the boundaries for such small things when they are little, how will you help your children establish appropriate boundaries in their teenage years?  “But she keeps getting out of bed!”  Of course she does.  You have to keep putting her back in it each time while applying correction.  It may take all night!  But that’s what it means to be a parent.

CONCLUSION: Boundaries broken bring terrible consequences.  This holy meal is a testimony to that reality.  When we crossed the boundaries God established, our heavenly Father had to go horrific lengths of self-sacrifice to save us from the outcome of those broken boundaries.  As parents we too will experience brokenness as our children cross boundaries we have erected to protect them and provide wholeness for their lives.  As we receive this sacrament let’s ask God for the grace to love and guide our children in a way that reflects God’s parental care for us.

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Deuteronomy 6:1-9

6:1 These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, 2 so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. 3 Hear, O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the LORD, the God of your fathers, promised you.

4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.  NIV

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